With the New Hampshire Primary wrapping up, I keep hearing the media use the words “brawl” and “slugfest” to describe the political battles in progress. So this got me to thinking, what if it really were a brawl, say good old fashioned bar fight. Who would win? Now, the current field of primary candidates are fairly unremarkable in that light as Sanders would like best Clinton in a fist fight and Chris Christie would just sit on the rest of the GOP field. But let’s take this out a bit and ponder out of the sum of Presidential history, who would you pick to join you in a bar fight? I’m going to go ahead and take Obama out of the mix because I don’t want this to turn into partisan bickering and let’s be honest, who in the world would pick Obama to be on their team in a bar fight? So let’s hash it out.
The Fighters
Clearly, some men just instantly rise above the masses when it comes to this question. But since it is a hypothetical to begin with, I’m going to set the ground rules that we have to consider not just their physical fitness while in office, but the sum of their life as a man. For instance, George Bush senior was a fighter pilot in World War 2 but by the time he made it into office he was passing out and puking on foreign dignitaries.
Teddy Roosevelt as a Young man via vice.com
But let’s get to the fighters and narrow the field down a bit. George Washington, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, Ulysses Grant, Teddy Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower are all a few names that stick out in my mind. You can nominate any President you want for this debate and I’m not going to pick my winner, that is your job.
The Stats
George Washington led our military against the British and sailed across the frozen Potomac River on Christmas Day to kill the bad guys. That’s tough. Andrew Jackson killed a man in a duel and I’m pretty sure Old Hickory would be the guy to pull out a shank in a bar fight and stick it someone’s back. Abraham Lincoln was an amateur wrestler, seriously, that wasn’t just a bit for a commercial.
Ulysses Grant led the Union in the Civil War and was known to love whiskey and a good cigar. I don’t know how he is in a fist fight, but he will be in that bar somewhere. Teddy Roosevelt was an avid boxer and man extraordinaire. Not only was the leader of the famed Rough Riders, but he was once shot in an attempted assassination before a speech and the man finished the speech before getting medical care. Eisenhower led American forces in Europe during WW2 and while he looks a little meek, that is worth something in my book.
This is not the exhaustive list and there is plenty more you could consider. George W. Bush seemed like a rowdy fell and if we are talking a sumo wrestling match, I’m going Howard Taft all the way. With that being said, I’m throwing down the first glass of whiskey and getting in your face. Pick your Presidential partner and let’s start breaking some bar stools over each other’s back. Hash it out and fight dirty if you need to.
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